I am back in office today. The weekend, as usual, passed in a jiffy and it held some wonderful moments making me crave for yet another opportunity or chance to spend time with Jacob, like a lot of time. We didn’t go out anywhere this time. He has an interview coming Friday in some company he has applied at for a job. He really wants to crack it. I really want he does that too. This move will change a lot of things, good and bad; but I’d rather believe (and would want to believe) that most of it would be good. The most important aspect of this job switch would be that he would get really busy. In the current job, due to a huge workforce and the effects of recession, he hasn’t got his hands on working literally. He gets frustrated sometimes, it eats him up; the career stagnancy and the emotional chaos (and a big reason for this one has been me, throughout). You know how an empty mind is a devil’s workshop. It applies for me as well. I know the more free time I have in hand, the more I cry and fret and miss him and imagine things and become miserable. I wish I had been busier all along.
If Jacob gets this new job, a huge part of his career woes would subside. Additionally, he would earn about 50% more than what he earns now. That solves so many of his problems. He’d be happier. So, that eventually implies I’d be happier too. But, he would move to a new place, shift in with some new people and start having a new life. I know we can still meet usually on the weekends but you can obviously understand the difference when a person living just ten minutes from you moves on to a place that’s more than an hour away. Also, this makes me feel affirmative that at least we’ll be in the same city. I guess this is God’s scheme of slowly and gradually making us accept separation rather than doing it all at once. So, I know we won’t be able to talk much or meet as much but his life would definitely sort out a bit and that’s what the best part of this move would be. I wish he finds his bliss this time.
Coming back to the weekend that passed; yes, I kissed him and it felt so heavenly (I am not exaggerating okay). He hugged me snugly for a long time. I touched him. I loved him. I saw him smile. I smelled his breath. I caressed his hair. He told me he loved me, time and again. He kept me close. He kept me safe. He held me in his arms and made me sleep. We talked. We laughed. We also acknowledged that we would have to work this out; we would have to be very strong. He told me that we were not made for each other. I have known this all along. Jacob and I were never meant to be together. Yes, we are in love. We are best friends. We respect and understand each other. We probably spend the best moments of our lives when we are together. We are so very attuned and compatible and yet, we are really not the ‘made for each other’ sort. I say this owing to the differences in our upbringing, our families, our ideologies, our dreams, our cultures, our responsibilities, our personalities.
I recognize everything so clearly and I also know that I must accept life the way it is, I must put in efforts to love Edward, to plan for a lovely future with him, to stop thinking about Jacob, or may be to forget this ‘love’ that exists between us; but, you know that’s not easy. The more you wish to abscond from a certain feeling, the more it comes and embraces you. It’s some normal tendency of life, may be. I like being with him as much as possible because after a few months my life would change and I might not even talk to him. That makes me want to live the most of my life with him, till it’s achievable. I don’t know this makes me right or wrong. I don’t know whether this would mess up things more or bring in some extra bouts of happiness for me. I’d just move on, like I have been doing and see how life surprises me at every juncture.
(Dear Jacob,
If ever in life I let you read this blog and you’re reading this now, then I’d just say I love the person you are. You are beautiful. And you deserve a lot of happiness and success in your life. I have faith in you, a lot more than I have in myself.
Love,
Hope)
To all of you too,
Love,
Hope
The Diary of Hope 