Words…

Dear Jacob,

The last time I wrote to you was on your Birthday. The Wednesday letters have stopped now because perhaps you weren’t so receptive of them keeping in mind how emotional I used to get by writing them. I reduced writing to you and I thought that there’d be a day when you’d ask me to write to you a letter. That day hasn’t come yet because I haven’t started distancing myself from you. I am still clinging on to you. That’s the only part of me that feels ‘good’; the only part of me that stays with you.

I was quite bored in office today; didn’t have any work and I was also somewhat sleepy so didn’t feel like reading or writing something good enough. I’ve been killing time since the morning. Then, just now I read a few things, those beautiful quotes about life and love that I keep sending you. I read old chats and letters buried in my mailbox and they made me smile. I read about the times about a year back when I would write to you about missing you and you’d somehow just come over and meet me, even at times when you were about fifteen kilometers away from me and you had no vehicle. You’d still come to meet me. I read about the times when we laughed all through the mails we sent to each other. I read about the times of untainted and beautiful friendship.

Then, I read the chats of about a month back and I realized things haven’t changed too much. I read how I would tell you that I’d beat you up when I was frustrated and you’d say that you’d let me to that whenever we met next. And you really did let me do that, even today; when I meet you and punch you in the stomach or your biceps or I bite your hand or pull your ears and somehow you let me do it all with little ‘Ouch’ and ‘Stop. Stop’ exclamations and I smile and kiss you.

You know it’s not easy for me to forget you or to even make efforts and not love you. I guess when you try not to get so close to a person, life essentially forces you to fall for him more and more. I know you really care about me and you want me to be happy. I know our story bothers you because it complicated my life severely. I know you are scared that I might mess up whatever good my life might still bring along if I am so in love with you all the time. You want me to let go of this love or to cope with my life sensibly. You want me to beam, make my dreams come true, work hard, love Edward, get married, have children and feel very pleasant about everything. Sometimes, I wish I knew what I want.

We know we really do not have an easy way out. Both of us identify that no circumstance in life would give us a prospect of living together. That never was, that never can be. And yet sometimes I wish I could live in your arms eternally. I wish things between us were more normal. I wish I could tell people how much you mean to me and how much I love you. More than any of this, I wish you could open your heart up and let me know how you feel about me. I know I would have been entitled to more of you if I was your girlfriend. But, know what; sometimes the word ‘best friends forever’ sounds way better than ‘girl friend’. I wish I could sense your love more wholly.

“Sometimes the only way to ever find yourself is to get completely lost.” I am on the way to doing just that: losing myself, fearing life, consistently yearning to die…because at times that seems the only way out. But, you know what hurts when I think of it? It’s going to upset you immensely and therefore, it can’t be worth it.

Take care of yourself,

Love,

Yours

Hope

Today…

I was supposed to do something else at the moment. I was supposed to study a certain project I worked on in office about a year back. If not that, I was supposed to be with Jacob, sitting at some place in office and talking or may be being quiet. In general, I was not supposed to write but I wanted to, without a reason honestly. Things are okay since the past few days. No particularly unbearable emotional trauma or unnecessary flow of sentiments. There’s tranquility of an unusual sort. However, I wish I could shed some tears. They really won’t make things any better or worse or anything. Nor am I really sad. I am just ‘okay’. I wish I could efficiently work out on the puzzle of life, fixing the right pieces at the right places. At this point in time, I do not even understand my own self, let alone expecting anybody else to comprehend my feelings. It’s all very complicated for me. I have become so ‘stagnant’. Every now and then I start feeling lonely, without a valid explanation. At times, I feel I am running away from ‘having time with myself’, I won’t probably be comfortable. Fair enough, I am with myself right now. I am comfortable. But, it’s not so complete. I have been trying to be ‘on the go’ all the time so that I don’t have the time to harbour a lot of negative sentiments.

Jacob is going through a really tough time in his life. He is dealing with a lot of stress from all directions and it rips his heart. He told me the other day that he has become a very pessimistic person. I was there with him, witnessing his frustration, his disappointment, his pain. There were moments when I tried to calm him down, moments when I tried to hold his hands, but he was very disturbed. It broke me. I have been literally wishing that I get all his hurt. I know he is stronger, a lot stronger than I am, but I hate to see him so weak. I hate to know that even I might be one cause of this pain. I hate to know that I can’t do anything at all to make things all right for him. Also, at times I feel glad that I am with him while he is going through this awful period. I know he would have become so lonesome if even I wasn’t there. Still, you know what I really want? I want him to succeed in all his endeavors; I want him to do his post graduation in one of the best universities of the country; I want to see him happy: All before we part. I want to see him move towards his sought-after path. I want his pain to subside. That’s the most important thing for me. I want his pain to leave him. I want success and cheer to embrace him. Wish it was in my hands. I can’t bear to see him lose. He won’t I know. He is a magnificent person. I am not saying this because I love him. But, if you could get inside and see his heart, you’d know how lovely he is. He deserves a lot in his life for all the goodness he has brought about in the lives of millions of people.

Perhaps, I’ll end here. Just two days left for the weekend to come and see that made me smile 🙂

The Story Of Bliss!

I wrote this story today for Jacob. I haven’t sent it to him yet, I’ll do that tomorrow since Wednesdays are our letter days. It takes references from my life though I have written it in a fictional format;  but when Jacob reads it he will be able to relate with it and the characters. Let me know hows it. After all it’s a lot like my life!

Once upon a time, there lived a little boy and a little girl in a beautiful town called ‘Bliss’. I know you never heard of Bliss, because it’s not a part of your world. The town existed for people like that little boy that his little girl who were so contented together. They were best friends and they lived in the same hut. People didn’t like it but they did because they loved being with each other. They laughed a lot together. Sometimes, other little boys and girls envied their friendship because it was so strong. They would get up every morning, next to each other and the first thing they did was to smile. They had the most beautiful smiles in Bliss and the world where it belonged. Every morning, the little boy would kiss the little girl on her forehead. The girl would smile and kiss him back on his dimpled cheek. They drank Bournvita, had some cornflakes or sandwiches and left for work. They hugged each other every day before parting and then, they smiled. They always smiled.

The boy would go to the adjacent village each day to give performances in a show. People loved him. He made them laugh and sing and dance. He could never get tired of helping people. They said he had a heart of gold. He didn’t earn a lot of money but that never mattered in Bliss; what mattered was the amount of liveliness he spread all around. The girl would leave home everyday to meet people and talk. She would read to them stories and letters and teach them alphabets and words. She was amusing in the way she jumped around and laughed and sang remarkable songs all the while. Every now and then, she would think of the boy and when she really missed him, she would close her eyes and smile to him. Every time she did this, the boy smiled back. People could make connections as intense as this in Bliss.

They came back home every evening and cooked together. The girl loved to cook everything that the boy loved to eat. That made her happy. The boy hated to see tears in her eyes and so he always tried to cut all the onions, no matter how much it burnt his cat eyes. They ate together, laughed and talked. The girl would bite the boy or play with his biceps. The boy would tickle her and run after her all over the hut. There were many moments of silence but they cherished those too, as long as they had each other. After dinner, the boy would take some rest while the girl did the dishes. They would lie down on each other and watch movies or read books. The little girl oiled the boy’s hair and applied moisturiser on his hands and legs. Sometimes, they played Scrabble and sing-a-song. Occasionally, their wonderful little friend joined them and the three little children had fun, so much fun. Every night, the little boy would hug the little girl, who patted him to sleep. They remained like this for hours, holding each other like a baby holds his mother, till the morning light didn’t force them to open their eyes. Yet, they loved to wake up, because, as I said; they woke up next to each other. That was a blessing, each day.

One day, their magnificent town Bliss started drowning. There was water far and wide. The torrential rains had hit them hard. People were running out of their homes to save their lives. The huts were drowning; their beds, their chairs and the food: everything was enveloped in the sturdy waters of the flood. The little boy and the little girl ran too. They ran and ran and ran but how could they escape the water that was faster and fiercer than them? They held each other’s hands, all the time. The little girl had tears in her eyes but the boy told her that he would make everything alright  They were afraid of the water but they were strong, very strong. Their strength did save them. They didn’t drown in the deluge, they fought with it.

After hours of running, they were immensely exhausted and it had started to turn dark. They took a halt in a forest where the boy climbed up some trees to amass several fruits which they could eat together. They talked for a while about moving on to a new town and starting over with a new life; however, very soon they fell asleep. The scuttle, scamper and the struggle had worn them out. They fell asleep effortlessly and snugly under the tree. It was gloomy, the winds were blowing hard, the animals snarled and howled, but the little girl and the little boy were deep in slumber. Amidst the rustling winds came a leopard. He didn’t growl or rumble. He stood there and looked at the two children as they slept. He smiled. After a few moments, he dragged the little girl away from the boy. The girl woke up. She couldn’t scream because the leopard covered her mouth. She kept looking at the boy, trying to lose the leopard’s grip, but in vain. He took her away. She cried. She was in pain but she kept looking at his little friend till she fell unconscious. The boy got up as the first ray of the sun touched his body. The girl was not there. For the first time in years, the little boy got up without his little girl. At that moment, he knew that she was gone. Forever.

The Weekend! (That Passed)

I am back in office today. The weekend, as usual, passed in a jiffy and it held some wonderful moments making me crave for yet another opportunity or chance to spend time with Jacob, like a lot of time. We didn’t go out anywhere this time. He has an interview coming Friday in some company he has applied at for a job. He really wants to crack it. I really want he does that too. This move will change a lot of things, good and bad; but I’d rather believe (and would want to believe) that most of it would be good. The most important aspect of this job switch would be that he would get really busy. In the current job, due to a huge workforce and the effects of recession, he hasn’t got his hands on working literally. He gets frustrated sometimes, it eats him up; the career stagnancy and the emotional chaos (and a big reason for this one has been me, throughout). You know how an empty mind is a devil’s workshop. It applies for me as well. I know the more free time I have in hand, the more I cry and fret and miss him and imagine things and become miserable. I wish I had been busier all along.

If Jacob gets this new job, a huge part of his career woes would subside. Additionally, he would earn about 50% more than what he earns now. That solves so many of his problems. He’d be happier. So, that eventually implies I’d be happier too. But, he would move to a new place, shift in with some new people and start having a new life. I know we can still meet usually on the weekends but you can obviously understand the difference when a person living just ten minutes from you moves on to a place that’s more than an hour away. Also, this makes me feel affirmative that at least we’ll be in the same city. I guess this is God’s scheme of slowly and gradually making us accept separation rather than doing it all at once. So, I know we won’t be able to talk much or meet as much but his life would definitely sort out a bit and that’s what the best part of this move would be. I wish he finds his bliss this time.

Coming back to the weekend that passed; yes, I kissed him and it felt so heavenly (I am not exaggerating okay). He hugged me snugly for a long time. I touched him. I loved him. I saw him smile. I smelled his breath. I caressed his hair. He told me he loved me, time and again. He kept me close. He kept me safe. He held me in his arms and made me sleep. We talked. We laughed. We also acknowledged that we would have to work this out; we would have to be very strong. He told me that we were not made for each other. I have known this all along. Jacob and I were never meant to be together. Yes, we are in love. We are best friends. We respect and understand each other. We probably spend the best moments of our lives when we are together. We are so very attuned and compatible and yet, we are really not the ‘made for each other’ sort. I say this owing to the differences in our upbringing, our families, our ideologies, our dreams, our cultures, our responsibilities, our personalities.

I recognize everything so clearly and I also know that I must accept life the way it is, I must put in efforts to love Edward, to plan for a lovely future with him, to stop thinking about Jacob, or may be to forget this ‘love’ that exists between us; but, you know that’s not easy. The more you wish to abscond from a certain feeling, the more it comes and embraces you. It’s some normal tendency of life, may be. I like being with him as much as possible because after a few months my life would change and I might not even talk to him. That makes me want to live the most of my life with him, till it’s achievable. I don’t know this makes me right or wrong. I don’t know whether this would mess up things more or bring in some extra bouts of happiness for me. I’d just move on, like I have been doing and see how life surprises me at every juncture.

(Dear Jacob,

If ever in life I let you read this blog and you’re reading this now, then I’d just say I love the person you are. You are beautiful. And you deserve a lot of happiness and success in your life. I have faith in you, a lot more than I have in myself.

Love,

Hope)

To all of you too,

Love,

Hope

A Letter on Women’s Day! (To My Best Friend)

Dear Friend,

I do not know what prompted me to start with a letter; a letter on a ‘not-so-normal’ day. But, I just thought there was the need for me to write. I can understand how life must be for you. All of us here are not satisfied and believe me; each of us feels that the other person is living a better life. Comparisons in some way always tend to discourage us because we compare ourselves and our lives with just the wrong people. I know we are all going through a lot of struggle and the people out there, who are not struggling now have already faced too much or will bear the same pain, sometime. We cannot evict ourselves from suffering. If you have been gifted with a ‘life’, God will make sure you go through every emotion possible. He will make sure that you value the little things in life. He will make you suffer tremendously and then He will give you some of the most incredible moments too. He’ll hurt you, rupture you, scratch you, tear you, almost kill you and then all of a sudden He’ll make you smile. He’ll gift you little showers of happiness. He’ll eventually give you miracles. He’ll make you believe in his existence because He’s there. He really is there.
I was wondering today about the whole idea of being a woman. You must have seen that I am so dissatisfied most of the times. I incessantly wish I was a boy. But, I never wanted that profoundly. I am happy being a girl, a woman, a female. I know I blame a huge part of the reasons for my failures or struggle on the gender I have. I feel I couldn’t make my dreams come true because God made me a girl. I also feel life would have been a little more at ease if I was a boy. However, all of this is garbage. You know that and I know that. May be, I don’t have the valor to accept that at every step the only explanation behind my losses has been ‘Me’. I don’t have the courage to put the blame on myself because I pity myself. I find out reasons to tell myself –‘It’s not my fault.’ I won’t be too critical here, so may be I do accept it wasn’t my fault but I also accept I am glad for everything that happened to me. I am glad I was born a girl, glad that my family loved me, sent me to a nice school, and gave me the right set of values. I am glad I studied well, I dreamt, I reflected, I wrote, I read. I am glad I lost. I am glad I cried. I am glad I suffered. For this instance, I am glad I can feel pain. It’s not bad. It brings you so much closer to your own self. It makes you live a ‘wholesome’ life.
Being a woman gave me compassion, empathy, love, beauty and that realization that I have a little more hurdles to cross and that would eventually make me more complete, more successful. Sometimes, I can sense a weird emotion where I start feeling slightly guilty for just doing something to you. I don’t how to explain this sentiment. It’s tough to probably elucidate this. I know sometimes, may be rarely, you must have felt that you’re spoiling a huge part of your life for a girl who was never yours and could never be. You must have had that hiccup where you felt this wouldn’t help you in any way. You must have wanted to break free of all of this. But, then you hate to hurt me. You hate everything that hurts me. I know that. I love that. I even respect that because I know you, I love you and I respect you. This life is all yours. I want to let you be you. I don’t want you to think before you take out your cell-phone in front of me to type a message. I don’t want you to feel bad for saying ‘no’ when you can’t do a particular thing that I want. I don’t want you to contemplate too much on my misery. I don’t want you to do things (that you normally wouldn’t have) just because you don’t want to hurt me. I don’t want to be that glitch in your throat.
The only thing I really want is your happiness. I want to do everything that would make you truly happy. Even if that means just going away. At least for now, till I don’t have any other reason good enough to live, I want to live for you, for everything you want. I set you free. We are friends; best friends and I am there for you at every step of life. I just don’t want to be a hurdle for you; that hiccup. Honestly, Jacob, I don’t even have the right to be that. I don’t have the right to depend on you so much that it becomes a burden for you. Yes, as I just finish this off, I wish to tell you that I really want you to be intensely happy. I’ll make sure that happens, sooner or later (rather sooner).

Loads of love,

Yours,

BFF

A Valentine Day Hug!

Yes, so it’s the Valentine’s day today. In general I am not the person who gives high significance to this day. It’s like any other normal day. For the past five or probably six years my valentine has been Edward. Believe me I did all in my hand to strengthen this relationship. You know I have got genuine problems. One, I shower immense love on people. Two, I expect them to give me back the love I deserve. By nature, I am a very very loving person. If I love you, I would do every little thing to make you happy. That happiness matters so much to me; the joy I give you. Yet in the end it hurts. It always hurts. Love hurts.

This year, this day has one huge ‘modification’. I probably love Jacob. May be I love Edward too. I mean how can you not love a person whom you’ve loved for years especially when that person hasn’t been bad to you? I wish that person would have been ‘something’ which would have made it easier for me to view life and relationships. Yes, he hasn’t been bad to me. He hasn’t been good to me either in terms of the attention and time this love deserved. I am wondering if this is some sort of a girls’ issue. I mean do all girls tend to work hard to make their relationship move smoothly? Do all girls compromise their needs for their loved one’s desire? I don’t know. I want to cry so much right now. I feel that’s the one thing that might make me feel better but I am in office and I need to control my tears or wipe off the few drops that recurrently flood my eyes.

I met Jacob today. I have been feeling so strongly for him for the past month or so. I meet him almost everyday. I made a collage for him which had a lot of pictures (read memories). Why did I do that? I knew that would make him happy. Then yesterday I went to the Mart to buy a shaker for him since he needed one. I kept searching but couldn’t find it. So, I left it at that. Following that, I decided to cook him something he loves. I did all the preparations yesterday and got up early in the morning to make stuffed bread for him. Finally, we met at lunch. Our closest friend Nolan was there too. Nolan has no idea about whatever is going on between me and Jacob. We ate lunch together and the stuffed bread didn’t turn out to be as wonderful as it should have been. I was so disappointed. I don’t know why I got so low. I couldn’t make him as happy. Right? He had to leave. He didn’t wait for long. He said he’d leave. I didn’t stop him. I didn’t like this. I put in so many efforts to make him happy and again like everyone does, he didn’t understand. Is it some boys’ issue? He left. I left the place too and returned to my office desk. It hurt.

I started writing once I was back. I am checking my cell phone persistently because I want him to call me and tell me I am important. I really don’t matter to anyone out there. No Edward, no Jacob. Nobody. May be that’s what I deserve. But, why? I am a cheater. Right? I feel like hurting myself physically. I deeply penetrate my long finger nails on the palm of my hand forming a fist. I do it till clearly visible deep marks don’t come up. I do it again. And again. My palms have become red and there is an unusual feebleness I feel takes over me. I cry a lot still waiting for Jacob’s call. Edward calls me in the meantime, gets a little tensed but doesn’t quite understand my misery. He feels I am crying because of a silly argument I had with my room-mate. I tell him I am better. We hang up the phone.

I call Jacob up. I tell him I won’t trouble him anymore. I tell him I am daft. He can’t hear me talk like that. He doesn’t know what’s hurting me but he apologizes. He says he’ll come over in 40 minutes to meet me. He’ll take me out for ice cream. I keep telling him not to come. I don’t want him to. I’d rather be alone. But, he won’t listen. He believes I need him. He’ll be there I know. He’ll look at me and give me that smile that will make me alright so easily. Just that smile. He’ll give me that hug which will melt away all the negativity. No words, no kisses, no gifts…just that hug would do it all for me this Valentine’s day.