Words…

Dear Jacob,

The last time I wrote to you was on your Birthday. The Wednesday letters have stopped now because perhaps you weren’t so receptive of them keeping in mind how emotional I used to get by writing them. I reduced writing to you and I thought that there’d be a day when you’d ask me to write to you a letter. That day hasn’t come yet because I haven’t started distancing myself from you. I am still clinging on to you. That’s the only part of me that feels ‘good’; the only part of me that stays with you.

I was quite bored in office today; didn’t have any work and I was also somewhat sleepy so didn’t feel like reading or writing something good enough. I’ve been killing time since the morning. Then, just now I read a few things, those beautiful quotes about life and love that I keep sending you. I read old chats and letters buried in my mailbox and they made me smile. I read about the times about a year back when I would write to you about missing you and you’d somehow just come over and meet me, even at times when you were about fifteen kilometers away from me and you had no vehicle. You’d still come to meet me. I read about the times when we laughed all through the mails we sent to each other. I read about the times of untainted and beautiful friendship.

Then, I read the chats of about a month back and I realized things haven’t changed too much. I read how I would tell you that I’d beat you up when I was frustrated and you’d say that you’d let me to that whenever we met next. And you really did let me do that, even today; when I meet you and punch you in the stomach or your biceps or I bite your hand or pull your ears and somehow you let me do it all with little ‘Ouch’ and ‘Stop. Stop’ exclamations and I smile and kiss you.

You know it’s not easy for me to forget you or to even make efforts and not love you. I guess when you try not to get so close to a person, life essentially forces you to fall for him more and more. I know you really care about me and you want me to be happy. I know our story bothers you because it complicated my life severely. I know you are scared that I might mess up whatever good my life might still bring along if I am so in love with you all the time. You want me to let go of this love or to cope with my life sensibly. You want me to beam, make my dreams come true, work hard, love Edward, get married, have children and feel very pleasant about everything. Sometimes, I wish I knew what I want.

We know we really do not have an easy way out. Both of us identify that no circumstance in life would give us a prospect of living together. That never was, that never can be. And yet sometimes I wish I could live in your arms eternally. I wish things between us were more normal. I wish I could tell people how much you mean to me and how much I love you. More than any of this, I wish you could open your heart up and let me know how you feel about me. I know I would have been entitled to more of you if I was your girlfriend. But, know what; sometimes the word ‘best friends forever’ sounds way better than ‘girl friend’. I wish I could sense your love more wholly.

“Sometimes the only way to ever find yourself is to get completely lost.” I am on the way to doing just that: losing myself, fearing life, consistently yearning to die…because at times that seems the only way out. But, you know what hurts when I think of it? It’s going to upset you immensely and therefore, it can’t be worth it.

Take care of yourself,

Love,

Yours

Hope

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I miss him

I wrote a post for this blog a few days back but I couldn’t publish it then and eventually I left it at that. I didn’t let any of you in those thoughts that I wished to share. Sometimes I realize how emotions can be so fleeting and transitory. It happens with me a lot. I can be scared, pensive, miserable and weird for a few minutes or hours and I do not tend to comprehend what lies beneath each of those sentiments. I am immersed in a world that perhaps I have created for myself. I am immersed in the fear of being left alone. I am so insecure.

I have been trying to avoid all of this a lot. I have been keeping myself so occupied since the past few months. That’s the only practicable thing; the only way to focus on everything other than him. However, it’s never so easy. I find my thoughts dreadfully intimidating. Since a very long time, most of the things I do have been associated with either keeping myself away from him or trying to emphasize on everything other than him. He is there around me even today. We meet. We talk. We are best friends but it’s different. I don’t even know how he feels about all of this. But, even now, I look forward to every such moment when I’d get to meet him. I look forward to every single hug that I might receive from him. Strangely enough, my strength and my weakness coincide into that one person. Somewhere down the line, I hate this. I hate feeling so strongly about him because I know his feelings for me don’t boil down to that intense level. May be they do; may be they don’t. How would I know?

I try to shove myself away from all this negativity, the emotions and those really tender feelings of having lost him, somehow. He is still there, I told you. And yet, it’s different. Honestly, I don’t blame him or anybody else for all of this. It’s me. The real culprit. What hurts is that I can’t help being like that. I can’t help not thinking of him the first thing I get up in the morning and the last thing when I sleep at night. I can’t help expecting him to meet me, be with me, miss me or talk to me. And know what? He does all of that. It has just reduced over time and circumstances and I wonder how he feels about it.

I gave the GRE this Monday. I scored a 322/340. I didn’t quite like it. People around me congratulated me for the score. But, it didn’t make me happy. It makes me question, what does make me happy? There’s so much I still have to do. There are the college applications, search for virtual or real writing internships, some good recommendation letters, a strong profile and more than all of that: The struggle that has fettered me and my soul. My parents would never approve of me going abroad to study when its time I get married. My father, who still hates me, doesn’t talk to me and hasn’t given his consent for my wedding with Edward would see this demand from my end as something completely inordinate and trust me, he won’t let me go. I am trying to still possibly give it a chance. I am trying to apply to some universities and for scholarships but you know it’s not so easy. It takes a toll on a person and then these universities require you to submit a statement about your financial status so that they are sure you’d be able to pay the entire fee. How would I even get that statement?

I don’t care at the moment if anybody is even reading this post or not but I really needed to talk to somebody and so I thought I’d write. When I try to discuss things with Edward, he wards my worries off by always coming back to the subject of our marriage and how we would go about it and how we should hurry it up. When I try to discuss it with Jacob, he just keeps pushing me to give it a try and apply for places and then also to spend more time with Edward and to try and love him again. It gets exasperating because I cannot compel myself to love somebody. Jacob wants me to forget him and as a consequence he is always okay about times when I am full of activity. He persistently forces me into things that would help me move ahead with life and the things I dream of. Yet, what about another part of my life? What about love? What about my feelings? What about me?

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sad…

Damn…I am feeling so incredibly bad right now. Okay I am not going to talk about the same stuff because that’s not what’s making me feel what I am feeling. So, right now I am not sad because I have to choose one between Edward, Jacob and Dad. Also, I am not disappointed in myself and the life I have. I am not feeling exasperated as usual of faking emotions or being inane or whatever. I am sad because God laughed at me again; scornfully. Today is Friday. It’s a long weekend this time. Monday is a holiday. Most of my friends are going out of town. Except Jacob. Perhaps that is why I am here too. I could have planned a small trip to home or may be somewhere nearby to meet a friend. I don’t know. I have been pretty excited about these three days since a very long time. My exhilaration specifically increased when I got to know that Jacob’s roommates won’t be in town too. Wow. Wouldn’t that have been perfect to spend hours with him? To hold him when I sleep; to cook for him; to study together; to talk for hours and to have fun without too many distractions and disturbances. I had been waiting for this weekend for so long. I was sick these last few days. Sick, frustrated, irate, tired and weak. I won’t say too much about what’s wrong with me until I get my medical reports which are due tomorrow. I had a terrible stomach ache on Wednesday and I was with Jacob for a few hours. He hugged me so warmly and beautifully. He said he’ll make it all right. He said that this Friday, for the entire night I would sleep in his arms. You know I was so excited. Probably even he was. We are even going for a movie tonight, a nice romantic comedy. The funny (sardonically witty) part is that since yesterday I have been counting minutes and hours. I was so happy when it was time to sleep because I knew that it would be Friday when I’d get up. Then, since the morning today I’ve been killing time; doing anything and everything that would make time fly so that it’s the evening and I meet him because today, after months it was going to be an evening when I would have been with him for very long hours and then probably I wouldn’t have left him for a day or two or three. Haha. I find this hilarious. Damn, I was so excited. Only till he didn’t call me to say that some of his relatives are coming over, not for a few minutes or hours but for this weekend. They were supposed to come sometime soon but why today? Why now? Fuck! I was speechless. I had not a word to say. I mean this is not a huge thing, right? I am not supposed to cry and all but I feel so bad. I feel like being scoffed upon. What do I wait for now?

You know I had been so excited !!!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I had a flight on Thursday and I was supposed to meet Edward and spend the next three days with him. I came back to my town yesterday, a little confused and a lot more stressed. There is just so much I can say right now but I do not know where to begin and at what point should I end this story. I told Jacob I needed to talk to him about things, about telling Edward whatever is going on because no matter how much I convince him to leave me and move on with somebody else, he doesn’t seem to understand. I told him that I don’t really love him any more but he wants to give it a try. I told him I am not sure how long we’d have to wait for the ‘wedding’ because my father hasn’t given his consent yet. I also told him that I do not want to get married because I feel I am too young to handle a relationship as huge as that, along with the responsibilities that come along. But, he says he’ll help me and it will be all right once we start living together. I told him I would rather wish to study abroad for two years and concentrate on building up my career. He says he will help me with the funds, he’ll send me to a good university and it would be okay even if that means we will have to stay away from each other for two years even after getting married. He can live with that because he wants me to fulfill my dreams. I told him I do not know whether things will work out like this and also that I would always feel I used him. He says he loves me.

About three days back, I was at my home, hugging Jacob before leaving for the airport. We kissed. I felt beautiful. I felt complete. Just the night after that, I was with Edward. He held me as I slept and I told him I can’t sleep like this. He tried to kiss me, I couldn’t cooperate. He touched me everywhere. I felt so broken. I couldn’t stop him because he has that right over me, may be. However, I felt so ashamed. I gave him my body. I gave him this structure that envelopes my soul. Perhaps, he felt relaxed, at ease. I satiated his desire to some extent. But, it shattered my psyche. I felt pathetic. I hated myself. I know you won’t get it. You can’t. This man loves me. He is the perfect person any girl would like to spend her life with. He doesn’t understand the rationale behind me falling out of love with him.

Let me give you an outline of the scenarios I am facing:

  1. Jacob and I cannot be together. If ever that can happen, it would require strokes of fortune and about five more years.
  2. My family members who already hate me for loving Edward (because he is from a different caste and I belong to a conservative country) would never understand what I am going through currently.
  3. If I wish to leave everybody and be on myself (which is the best option at the moment), there’s nobody who would help me. I do not have even 10% of the fee required for the universities I aim for. My father would never fund my education because of the animosity that has grown between us.
  4. I can marry Edward. He might even pay for my education. He might be there. But, I cannot keep him happy. I cannot give him as much love as he deserves. In fact, I can give him my all but the toughest aspect for me out here is ‘physical intimacy’. Moreover, two years totally without meeting him and being engrossed in my studies might worsen things. I am so sure that our relationship would fracture profoundly and then there won’t be any going back for me because I’d have fought with my family to marry Edward plus I’d have used him for my education. (That thought sucks)
  5. If I tell Edward everything and ask him to leave me because I cheated on him, it would smash him. Also, my parents would force me into marrying somebody they choose. I will lose Edward, Jacob and also my ambitions. The only part that would remain would be my family and immense misery.
  6. Lastly, in any condition and scenario: Jacob and I would have to separate. Practically, I have to let go of him.

Tell me, what path to take. Tell me what to do. I need help. I need sanity and I need blessings. Or may be everything might sort out a bit if I die. I don’t know. I hate this!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I thought I would write to you. I wrote in here a long time back. My life has changed a bit since then. What matters right now is that this ‘bit’ has been enough to direct me towards a constructive path. The love has not subsided. The emotions and every inexplicable sentiment that hangs around my survival still subsist. Yet, I feel a little more ‘together’ with myself. I strive to accept myself and my life. The past few days have taught me that the only way to deflect my mind and heart from a person or situation is to work around something more valuable, more concrete and worthwhile. I have been keeping myself pretty occupied all this time. Being overtly busy helps. Another thing that I might accept here is that I have been spending a little more time with Jacob, however, it doesn’t scare me like it always did. Spending time like we do now emphasizes more on things that make sense. We do not stress on the ideas of love, separation, pain or intimacy. It’s different. It’s silent. Somewhere deep down I know this silence might make it more unbearable in the future. You know why? Because silence deepens affection. It deepens friendship and emotions. I feel stronger about the friendship we share together because we have matured with time, handled ourselves, held our hands in periods of crisis and known what we mean to each other. Now, we do not talk about tears and losses; we talk about dreams and aspirations. We talk about books and issues. We discuss ideas and plans. We study for hours, separate things but together. I like it this way. We are best friends and preserving this relationship matters the most.

I intend to take the GRE after a couple of months. I have been writing more consistently. I have enrolled myself in online journalism courses. I read about current affairs. I talk to people who can help get my work published. I comprehend and work around building a stronger vocabulary. I keep myself full of activity. I feel positive about it. Things are a little messy on the home-front. They keep talking about my wedding. My father still hates me. There are discussions about me, yet away from me. Everybody wants to get done with my wedding by the end of this year. Edward wants that too. He is tired of staying away from me. These things bother me sometimes but I feel tougher than before. I have some faith in my destiny and I wish to get through a really good university. All of this is far fetched especially keeping in mind the conservative mindset of my family, scholarship and admission issues, the letters of recommendation and my emotional disposition. However, I believe it’s going to be all right. Till then, I will go on embracing this silence and the beauty that touches me when I am a part of it; when I am a part of the dream that may come true.

Pray for me. I do not know what I deserve but I wish to make everything okay for all of us. I might have been evil, inane and disappointing but I am trying to carve out a path for myself. I am trying to bring out the best I can be. Even this little thing can make a difference. What do you think?

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Letter to Hope!

Dear Me,

I know there are not many people who would sit down like this to write to themselves. But, I have to do that today because I need to talk to myself, to this girl who resides inside me.

I have no idea how to begin this and how to discuss things with you. I know looking back at all these years; you have gone through a lot of trauma and pain. I remember the day Mom thrashed you for being in love with Edward, the day she read your personal diary and things changed drastically. I remember the day you sat in the school playground alone and wept endlessly; the day you kept telling your best friend that you can’t go back home because home hurts. I also remember the day you were so close to fulfilling your dream of being a Pilot but your parents manipulated everything and eventually didn’t let you go. Shortly after that, you met with an accident while you were on a bike with a close friend and she died, you didn’t. I remember how her family indirectly accused you of not suffering as much as she did. I remember how you were left so alone. Life seemingly reached a full-stop.

Today, you’re still suffering because your father hates you and doesn’t consider you his daughter; your boyfriend loves you but you don’t love him even though you know he deserves your affection; you love your best friend and that has complicated the purest relationship you had; you are lost, most of the times. I want you to know that you do not necessarily need this man so much, you’re fooling yourself into believing that you need him because he has given you the kind of emotional support that no one ever could. You are used to him and that is why it’s tough for you to accept that practically you have to stop depending on him so much. Seriously girl, you have to print this in your mind and heart and soul: ‘Do not depend on anybody so much.’ I know things just happen and at times they are not even in your control but you’re a very strong person. Why can’t you become that Hope that people think exists? Why can’t you be that strong and courageous girl who faces the adversities of life with a smile and optimism? Why can’t you be that Hope who people look up to because they think she is special, positive and lovely? I won’t say you’re bad nor pathetic because I know deep down you’re a beautiful person but come on, you know you’re not sure about yourself at times.

You do not need an Edward or a Jacob to complete you. Do not let your life be governed by others. Do not let somebody’s actions or words or ideas affect you so much. Think about it. You wish to do a Masters in Journalism and presently it’s just a vague thought because of family and relationship issues but what about your aspirations? What about the Hope who wishes to travel the world and do small and big things to experience life wholly? What about the Hope who wishes to write beautiful words? You know you haven’t lost yourself yet, but don’t take too long in holding yourself back to being who you are essentially. Start depending on your own self, start shaping up your life and be strong. It will all turn out to be right in the end. Have faith and love yourself.

Love,

Me

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Unreal!

I am back after a really long time. I went on a vacation with my family and it was a good time away from all these complications of my life. But, I did miss Jacob. I was counting days for that day to come when I would meet him. We didn’t even talk on the phone for about fifteen days. We didn’t meet for more than three weeks. I met him after a stretch on Monday and both of us were overwhelmed. We hugged each other for a really long time and I just hated to leave him and go back to my own place. My heart has been shuttling between various emotions since almost eternity and I wish I could set it free; I wish I could set myself free. Edward is coming over this weekend and I just don’t feel like meeting him, especially when it’s about spending time with him alone. I know I am a really bad person for even feeling this way. I am a really bad person because I am lying to everybody, I am even lying to my own self a lot of times. I wish I could be more real.

Almost every other day Edward talks to me about Jacob. In one way or the other he lets me know that he feels I stopped loving him after I moved to a house close to where Jacob lives. He is not entirely wrong. But, I always make him believe otherwise. I have to honestly accept that I don’t love him anymore and this love is also reducing because I am no more real with him. See, that’s where it hurts. I am no more real with anybody. I believe I love Jacob but sometimes I am not even real with him because I hate to tell him about the sorrow that’s engulfing me, about the fear of the inevitable: the day when I will leave him forever. I hate to show him my weakness because that’s what would make him weak and believe me; I hate to see him like that especially when the reason is me. Then sometimes I also wonder: How can he be so strong? How can he behave like he is okay with accepting that I will go away and we might have to stop being in touch entirely? He does tell me sometimes that for him life would get difficult once I leave. He told me that he missed me all this while when I was away. But, there’s something I feel that’s missing. I am still trying to figure that out. He tries to make life easier for me. He cares a lot. At times I think he even tries to make me get less ‘used’ to him and I hate that you know. I hate to accept that I should get away from him. I do not take my life seriously anymore. This might backfire me. This might make a joke out of every aspect of my survival. I let things move at their pace. I tell myself that I have to let life loose. I tell myself that I won’t make efforts to twist and turn life into any particular direction. I won’t take any decisions. I will let destiny do that for me completely. But, sometimes it does hurt. I was never this kind of a person. I was never somebody who would believe that a relationship shaped with so many lies can be successful. However, here I am, handling two relationships at the same time and both of them are based on lies. There are times when I can’t face myself. There are times when I can’t face God. I do not go to holy places too often anymore because I just can’t be real and true. I tend to run away from everything. But, I hope running away tangibly would have been easier or I wish I had the guts to face what I feel and what I am. I wish I could stand up to the world, to Edward, to my parents, my friends and family and tell them that I am not as real as it seems. I have been trying to keep myself occupied with things so that I don’t worry myself a lot with unnecessary contemplations but I am just not okay about drifting away from myself in due course. I wish it was easier to be so weak.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How I Wish We Were Meant to BE !

And when I think of love in the present, I think of you. I think of the beauty in your hazel eyes and the truth that lies there. I think of your dimpled smile and how it almost always gives me butterflies in the stomach. I think of your soothing voice and those cranky songs. I think of those moments when your fingers touch mine and we don’t immediately hold hands; we keep slightly touching our fingers and feeling a divine sensation. Yeah, I’d call that divine because feeling ‘something’ just when someone slightly touches you is not practical; it’s magical. I think of those salty drops that engulf your eyes every time you see me in pain and then those heartfelt attempts you put in each time to bring a smile on my face. I think of those beats that my heart skips whenever I read your texts and the grin that covers my expressions when my cell phone rings and displays your name. I think of the innocent kisses you constantly gave me when we never knew what our connection meant and those hugs that would always comfort me in ways like never before. I think of the scent of your breath and the proximity of our lips. I think of every such moment when we are so close and yet we look at each other with a muddle of emotions which rapidly change from one state to another. The first state that tells us-‘Don’t stop. Please don’t stop. Come closer. Kiss.’ The second state brings us more in strokes with the reality and utters-‘No. Hold back your emotions. This is not meant to be.’ Every second of that intimacy makes me shuttle like a pendulum and then I find my peace when our lips meet and I can sense love, immensely.

I think of the way I hold you with my hand over your stomach, my head on your chest and my legs entangled with yours whenever we lie down together. I think of the day you patted me off to sleep when I had my periods and my stomach was hurting. I think of those moments when we met after a gap of a few days and you hugged me and kept telling me how much you missed me and how badly you wished we could be together eternally. I think of the time we held each other snugly and you said- ‘We are not meant to be. Love doesn’t always mean possession. It’s a lot more than that.’ I think of how you seize my hand as we walk on the roads and clutch me tightly even though no car would hit me from that far. I think of the coy smiles we pass on so often that forever radiate love. I think of every essence of you, your heart, your soul, your body, your dreams, your life, my life, our life and of that little world we share where it’s just the two of us.

And when I think of love in the times to come, I will still think of you and remember flashes of our times together. I will try to sense your touch when the cool breeze touches me and smell your breath from underneath my sheets. You’ll be lost one day, very soon and I might strive to find traces of you in the man I am meant to be with. You know it breaks me. How I wish we were meant to be together so that none of it was wrong, so that this love made sense, so that you could be mine and I could be yours; so that when I thought of love in the future, I could have looked at you, sleeping right next to me with a half-open mouth and a trusting expression and I could have kissed your nose and enveloped the whole of me into the whole of you.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

My Best Friend and Our Love!

Just yesterday I called him up, sometime in the morning and we talked. We didn’t talk like best friends talk. We talked like couples talk when there is something not so right. I wasn’t speaking too much, for a change and he asked me to say something. I said I’d rather be quiet; I shouldn’t be so verbally active all the time. He found this weird. He could sense I was not in the best of my temperaments. I asked him if he had had breakfast and then suddenly I said: ‘Jacob, can I ask you something?’

Jacob: ‘Sure. Ask me two things.’

Me: ‘You go on for breakfast. I’ll send you a mail.’

Jacob: ‘No, come on, ask me.’

Me: ‘No, I think I’ll ask you whatever it is through a mail.’

Jacob: ‘Hope, what’s wrong? Ask me here.’

And then the line went dead. Guess even God understood I couldn’t ask him the question on the phone without choking my voice.

Then, I sent him a mail.

Me: The phone got disconnected. I didn’t do it okay. You go get your breakfast. We’ll talk once you’re done.

He replied instantly.

No. Please ask me what it is. I can’t eat like this. I really can’t.

Me: I haven’t lost you, right?

Just typing these few words made me sense the grief that could drown me, dump me and kill me.

After a few moments, he replied.

‘No. No, baby, seriously not. Trust me; I got tears in my eyes when I read this.’

Me: I am sorry for making you sad the first thing in the morning. But, you can’t imagine how much the slight realization of losing my best friend hurts.

He went for breakfast thereafter. There was a lull in our conversation. Then, I got his message.

‘Am really sorry if I made you feel like that ever. I’ll make sure that from now on you don’t get a single chance to feel something like this.’

I sent him a mail then to let him know that he doesn’t need to change, that he is supposed to be normal and do whatever he feels like; that I do not want him to feel bound or anything because we are best friends and friendship doesn’t suffocate people. Friendship makes them live, happily, naturally, beautifully.

——————————————————————————————————————-

Jacob and I have been living through a changed relationship now. We are best friends but we are not as true and honest to the other person to avoid misery. That sucks. There was a time when I would share every damn sorrow with him and he would be there to comfort me and tell me am not alone. There is a time now that I avoid letting him know how much things hurt me and how much I hate the fact that we’ll separate and life would change drastically; because I don’t want him to blame himself for spoiling my life. He does that a lot, he blames himself. He feels my life was so much better and smoother when all of this hadn’t happened. He keeps telling me he’ll make everything all right for me. You know how they say; when it’s true love you should let that person go if that’s what’s best for her/him. I know, really, that letting each other go is perhaps the only thing that makes sense and that’s practical and realistic and all; but you know it hurts.

I lost my best friend. He is there, still there. He loves me. He cares for me. He hugs me. He tries to make everything great for me. But, deep down I know some elements of a best friendship got lost in the midst of all the love. I expect so much that it makes me go crazy. I feel I am emotionally so unstable. I expect him to tell me he’s dying to meet me even though I know he probably doesn’t even get the time and space to feel that pang. I expect him to call me randomly and tell me that he’s coming over in the middle of the night and we would go for a walk. I expect him to leave every damn thing and be there with me, because I’m special for him.

But, I know none of this makes sense because he won’t do it, because we are not in a relationship, because we are not supposed to harbour these expectations and sentiments, because we are supposed to convince ourselves that we’re just friends and we must make that work. I know, he won’t express every little emotion he’s feeling because he hates to hurt me or to make me fall in love with him, more and more.

The other day I told myself that I’ll get over him. I tried to be strong and I decided I won’t call him too much, I won’t make incredible plans for the weekend; I won’t tell him I loved him, I’ll keep myself busy; I’ll try to ignite my love for Edward again. I’ll try to get back to the life I had probably a year ago. But, then, the very same day I saw him in the gym. He smiled and said- ‘Hey!’ You can’t believe how much I wanted to hug him there and then. He was helping a friend with his push-ups and I kept stealing glances to look at him. That very moment I got back to the ‘present me’. Fuck! I love him.

God, just tell me: Why is he so tough and why am I so weak?

Love is such a strong and overpowering emotion. So fucking strong!

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Little Too Lost!

Jacob,

I struggle to find the right words to express the right emotions. I think of your smile, your face, your voice, your mannerisms, your tears, you. I have a very sombre expression on my face right now. Wish I knew why. I wanted to write to you and also assure myself that I would not send you this letter. It should remain with me for sometime, as a reminder of how I feel and sense things. You shouldn’t know. The truth is that you already know way too much, but I do not. I speak too much, write too much and just do all of that..all the time to express myself and the inner workings of my heart and brain. I am more than an open book may be; yet you should know there’s still a lot buried deep inside, waiting to flow out of my system. I do not in the least have a rationale behind writing this, I am doing this just because I wanted to write something meaningful and right now I do not know whether all of this is as significant as I intended it to be. At the moment, I am not happy, I am not sad. I am neutral pressing under some unexplainable emotions and anxiety. The sole reason behind the negative aspects of my life has always been – Me. I so badly wish I could change my approach towards things a bit. I am sure this is some sort of a personality disorder I am suffering from and nobody should laugh it off because I’m serious; because I know what’s going inside me all the time; because even you can never understand. I do not blame you for that and I do not expect you to understand. I am incredibly cool with knowing that I know certain things about my psyche that no one else knows, not even you for a change.

You should know that I am not happy with myself and my behaviour and sentiments these days. Why do I let things as small as- ‘you not meeting me or not wanting to meet me’ – make me sad? Why do I let you own me? You don’t even know that, do you? You’re going through enough traumas already and thus I do not need to add to it; to the frustration and the pain. How can I do that? I am supposed to make you happy, that’s what my heart says. What gets me irked is that slight realization that I love you more than I should, more than is required and more than you love me. That’s so unfair to me, all the time. May be, I express the love a lot more openly and frequently. I am a girl and a very expressive one, indeed. So, I know you probably feel strongly too, but you don’t express as much, you try to make things easier for me, you try to get me used to ‘not having you around’ too much. But, that weakens me, even though I know this is the right thing to do. 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Advertisements