The last time I wrote to you was on your Birthday. The Wednesday letters have stopped now because perhaps you weren’t so receptive of them keeping in mind how emotional I used to get by writing them. I reduced writing to you and I thought that there’d be a day when you’d ask me to write to you a letter. That day hasn’t come yet because I haven’t started distancing myself from you. I am still clinging on to you. That’s the only part of me that feels ‘good’; the only part of me that stays with you.
I was quite bored in office today; didn’t have any work and I was also somewhat sleepy so didn’t feel like reading or writing something good enough. I’ve been killing time since the morning. Then, just now I read a few things, those beautiful quotes about life and love that I keep sending you. I read old chats and letters buried in my mailbox and they made me smile. I read about the times about a year back when I would write to you about missing you and you’d somehow just come over and meet me, even at times when you were about fifteen kilometers away from me and you had no vehicle. You’d still come to meet me. I read about the times when we laughed all through the mails we sent to each other. I read about the times of untainted and beautiful friendship.
Then, I read the chats of about a month back and I realized things haven’t changed too much. I read how I would tell you that I’d beat you up when I was frustrated and you’d say that you’d let me to that whenever we met next. And you really did let me do that, even today; when I meet you and punch you in the stomach or your biceps or I bite your hand or pull your ears and somehow you let me do it all with little ‘Ouch’ and ‘Stop. Stop’ exclamations and I smile and kiss you.
You know it’s not easy for me to forget you or to even make efforts and not love you. I guess when you try not to get so close to a person, life essentially forces you to fall for him more and more. I know you really care about me and you want me to be happy. I know our story bothers you because it complicated my life severely. I know you are scared that I might mess up whatever good my life might still bring along if I am so in love with you all the time. You want me to let go of this love or to cope with my life sensibly. You want me to beam, make my dreams come true, work hard, love Edward, get married, have children and feel very pleasant about everything. Sometimes, I wish I knew what I want.
We know we really do not have an easy way out. Both of us identify that no circumstance in life would give us a prospect of living together. That never was, that never can be. And yet sometimes I wish I could live in your arms eternally. I wish things between us were more normal. I wish I could tell people how much you mean to me and how much I love you. More than any of this, I wish you could open your heart up and let me know how you feel about me. I know I would have been entitled to more of you if I was your girlfriend. But, know what; sometimes the word ‘best friends forever’ sounds way better than ‘girl friend’. I wish I could sense your love more wholly.
“Sometimes the only way to ever find yourself is to get completely lost.” I am on the way to doing just that: losing myself, fearing life, consistently yearning to die…because at times that seems the only way out. But, you know what hurts when I think of it? It’s going to upset you immensely and therefore, it can’t be worth it.
Take care of yourself,