A Letter to Hope!

Dear Me,

I know there are not many people who would sit down like this to write to themselves. But, I have to do that today because I need to talk to myself, to this girl who resides inside me.

I have no idea how to begin this and how to discuss things with you. I know looking back at all these years; you have gone through a lot of trauma and pain. I remember the day Mom thrashed you for being in love with Edward, the day she read your personal diary and things changed drastically. I remember the day you sat in the school playground alone and wept endlessly; the day you kept telling your best friend that you can’t go back home because home hurts. I also remember the day you were so close to fulfilling your dream of being a Pilot but your parents manipulated everything and eventually didn’t let you go. Shortly after that, you met with an accident while you were on a bike with a close friend and she died, you didn’t. I remember how her family indirectly accused you of not suffering as much as she did. I remember how you were left so alone. Life seemingly reached a full-stop.

Today, you’re still suffering because your father hates you and doesn’t consider you his daughter; your boyfriend loves you but you don’t love him even though you know he deserves your affection; you love your best friend and that has complicated the purest relationship you had; you are lost, most of the times. I want you to know that you do not necessarily need this man so much, you’re fooling yourself into believing that you need him because he has given you the kind of emotional support that no one ever could. You are used to him and that is why it’s tough for you to accept that practically you have to stop depending on him so much. Seriously girl, you have to print this in your mind and heart and soul: ‘Do not depend on anybody so much.’ I know things just happen and at times they are not even in your control but you’re a very strong person. Why can’t you become that Hope that people think exists? Why can’t you be that strong and courageous girl who faces the adversities of life with a smile and optimism? Why can’t you be that Hope who people look up to because they think she is special, positive and lovely? I won’t say you’re bad nor pathetic because I know deep down you’re a beautiful person but come on, you know you’re not sure about yourself at times.

You do not need an Edward or a Jacob to complete you. Do not let your life be governed by others. Do not let somebody’s actions or words or ideas affect you so much. Think about it. You wish to do a Masters in Journalism and presently it’s just a vague thought because of family and relationship issues but what about your aspirations? What about the Hope who wishes to travel the world and do small and big things to experience life wholly? What about the Hope who wishes to write beautiful words? You know you haven’t lost yourself yet, but don’t take too long in holding yourself back to being who you are essentially. Start depending on your own self, start shaping up your life and be strong. It will all turn out to be right in the end. Have faith and love yourself.

Love,

Me

Unreal!

I am back after a really long time. I went on a vacation with my family and it was a good time away from all these complications of my life. But, I did miss Jacob. I was counting days for that day to come when I would meet him. We didn’t even talk on the phone for about fifteen days. We didn’t meet for more than three weeks. I met him after a stretch on Monday and both of us were overwhelmed. We hugged each other for a really long time and I just hated to leave him and go back to my own place. My heart has been shuttling between various emotions since almost eternity and I wish I could set it free; I wish I could set myself free. Edward is coming over this weekend and I just don’t feel like meeting him, especially when it’s about spending time with him alone. I know I am a really bad person for even feeling this way. I am a really bad person because I am lying to everybody, I am even lying to my own self a lot of times. I wish I could be more real.

Almost every other day Edward talks to me about Jacob. In one way or the other he lets me know that he feels I stopped loving him after I moved to a house close to where Jacob lives. He is not entirely wrong. But, I always make him believe otherwise. I have to honestly accept that I don’t love him anymore and this love is also reducing because I am no more real with him. See, that’s where it hurts. I am no more real with anybody. I believe I love Jacob but sometimes I am not even real with him because I hate to tell him about the sorrow that’s engulfing me, about the fear of the inevitable: the day when I will leave him forever. I hate to show him my weakness because that’s what would make him weak and believe me; I hate to see him like that especially when the reason is me. Then sometimes I also wonder: How can he be so strong? How can he behave like he is okay with accepting that I will go away and we might have to stop being in touch entirely? He does tell me sometimes that for him life would get difficult once I leave. He told me that he missed me all this while when I was away. But, there’s something I feel that’s missing. I am still trying to figure that out. He tries to make life easier for me. He cares a lot. At times I think he even tries to make me get less ‘used’ to him and I hate that you know. I hate to accept that I should get away from him. I do not take my life seriously anymore. This might backfire me. This might make a joke out of every aspect of my survival. I let things move at their pace. I tell myself that I have to let life loose. I tell myself that I won’t make efforts to twist and turn life into any particular direction. I won’t take any decisions. I will let destiny do that for me completely. But, sometimes it does hurt. I was never this kind of a person. I was never somebody who would believe that a relationship shaped with so many lies can be successful. However, here I am, handling two relationships at the same time and both of them are based on lies. There are times when I can’t face myself. There are times when I can’t face God. I do not go to holy places too often anymore because I just can’t be real and true. I tend to run away from everything. But, I hope running away tangibly would have been easier or I wish I had the guts to face what I feel and what I am. I wish I could stand up to the world, to Edward, to my parents, my friends and family and tell them that I am not as real as it seems. I have been trying to keep myself occupied with things so that I don’t worry myself a lot with unnecessary contemplations but I am just not okay about drifting away from myself in due course. I wish it was easier to be so weak.